I must admit that for some strange reason this has been one of my favorite blogs to write and share. Maybe because it is so personal and I get to share my innermost feelings. I mean it cannot get more personal than this.
However if you came here looking for some juicy drama…I am so sorry, but the exit’s that way 🙂 —>
If you came here looking for a scathing attack on baby daddy…from a scorned baby mama …to the left …to the left —>
I first decided to write this post some 2 years ago, but I realized I wasn’t there yet. I still had lots to learn and overcome. I am not there yet. I am not even attempting to make that claim. But I am a work in progress, and I thought over the years I have learned some practical stuff that may help others too, especially where kids are involved.
First I want to issue a disclaimer…in fact several disclaimers.
One: I do not have exclusive rights to what I am about to say, in fact I am giving “advice” based on my own personal journey that may not necessarily work for others.
Two: and this is of utmost importance, this story, like all stories, has 2 sides to it. However I committed that if I ever shared this part of my life, I would only tell my side and do so as objectively as I can.
Third: There is no rule of thumb when it comes to break ups and so what I share may not sit well with some of you and that is OK.
My break up wasn’t easy. It broke my heart, literally.
I never thought I would end up being a single mom, not especially after I got pregnant.
This wasn’t just the plan. It did not fit my vision 2030.
What could we have done better? What could I have done better?
I kept on spinning the “coulda, woulda, shoulda…”scenarios in mind all day long.
Allow me to go briefly into the relationship itself so that there is some background I am working against.
Every story has two sides- and because the other part of this story isn’t here to share his, I will share my side- again as impartially and as fitfully as I can.
The foundation of anything you do in life is extremely significant.
The height of the building is determined by its depth. You dig way down before you bring the building up. In the digging you get rid of all sorts of dirt, stones which vary in sizes and sometimes you even remove boulders as you clear the way to lay a proper foundation.
If one ignores this rule, then building will come up, oh yea- especially if they insist, but eventually it always comes crashing down. And I can tell you the cost of a collapsed building is double of what would have been, if only one had paid attention to the foundation.
So here we were, my new boyfriend and I, having a really shady foundation, but insisting we must go up. I mean we never even got to clearing the field to start working on the actual ground but we quickly put up a 41 storied building within the shortest period of time. Dubai’s Burj Khalifa had nothing on us!
You see we had issues from day.
Day 1 God raised a red flag, – and you know what, I selectively became color blind. I saw a white flag- I insisted it was His way of saying “Go on ye faithful daughter of mine…this is thy path…walk in it and hunger no more…”
I had been found. I had found. It was a done deal. But…
I own up. I take ownership of the lion share of the issues between us. I haven’t been an easy person to love.
I am the kind of woman that unless God speaks…my brother: “wacha!” (Leave!)- Cheek in tongue-serious pun intended-maybe not? May be not.
I was stubborn, hard headed and was a “my way or the high way kind of girl…” I am not saying this so as to sit pretty with you, but the truth has to be shared intentionally.
And so here I was Ms. Independent having freshly begun my career as a young lawyer, with ideals of changing the world in every factual possible way. I tell you I believed I was the answer to the universe.
I was rude, I was arrogant and I was very selfish. The world’s axis rotated around me! How could it not? When I had everything going on for me?
I sometimes literally tremble when I think of the things I told this brother.
I hadn’t quiet understood that a man needs respect as much as a woman needs love. And I just couldn’t bring myself to respect him. I had to voice my opinion over his, I had to have the last word- I guess I still do…well at least now it’s not all the time 😉 .
Ladies I am not saying that you shouldn’t be heard. Or that our voice is not as important as a man’s voice. No. I am saying I was the kind of woman who wouldn’t allow this brother to put in a word edgewise. He just couldn’t, especially when we argued which was quite often. I had to win; and yes I was keeping scores.
We didn’t date long-before I realized I was going to have a baby.Remember foundations? Yup, they have a way of coming back to bite when you least expect. This building was beginning to have cracks, and the paint hadn’t even began to dry!
The pregnancy seemed to really affect the relationship- negatively.
I just couldn’t stand the man. Attempts to make things work only made things between us worse. We never were a team. We fought against each other. We worked so hard to undo the other, yet we still dated.
But everything that is stretched has a limit. And ours came at last.
And so we eventually broke up.
Six years into it and it was over. Six years of on & off and finally the curtains fell down.
And it broke my heart into tiny little pieces. I was sick, and I mean in the literal sense of it.
In retrospect I think what pained me more was that he was the one who finally broke up with me.
Oh didn’t that hurt?!
He had found his voice. I hated it. I was the one in charge! Oh no! How could he?
Of course I also hurt because before the break up we had been finally planning to get married. I mean I was talking about a gown-yes.
And here we were.
How do I move on?
How do you move on from a part of something that has become you?
How do you surmount the courage to look into an uncertain future?
How do you hold onto to that which you do not have?
I remember crying myself to sleep so many nights.
I begged. I cried. I begged again.
I cried. I prayed. I cried again.
I refused to accept it. My mind couldn’t just take it. This wasn’t happening to me.
The irony of it all was that all along, I had played so hard and so mean. I never wanted this guy in my life, but now he was unavailable and had moved on and I just couldn’t take it.
I cried. I called.( I was ignored). I cried.
I sent countless emails, I left voice messages- I needed to be heard…
I was desperate. My whole world as I knew it then was crumbling on me. Remember foundations? Yup. The building finally came tumbling down! And I had nothing solid to hold on.
It all spun out of my control.
God checked in.
God who had all along been there silently allowing me to make these choices, checked in, He checked in when I finally got the sense to look up to Him.
God told me that He had to put a full stop on that part page.
God had finished that chapter in my life.
God was rewriting on a clean slate.
God was cleaning the inside of my soul.
God was about to do something new in my life.
Like every process, it hurt.
It hurt me to the innermost core of my being.
It felt like someone had taken some caustic material and was scrubbing my insides so hard and so rough.
It hurt so badly and I wanted it to stop and I cried to God to make it stop…But like every good doctor knows, for a wound to heal it needs to be opened up and cleaned properly so that the healing process can begin-
The wound needed cleaning so that it did not get septic.
I hated with passion the place that I found myself in.
Again looking back in perspective, I guess I was more hurt because he did the leaving. My pride could not just accept it.
Because I was hurting, I began hurting back. You see hurt people, hurt people.
My child became ammunition…
I finally had enough rounds of ammo to start World War 3…
I really have to stop here, and continue with this in the next post, because as you can see this post’s blown any word count off the roof.
I am sharing this especially for single moms who are in the battle front or you are in a season in your life that you think that you just cannot do life any other way, except fight and be vindictive. There is a way. I found a way amidst all the hurt.I am not there yet, in fact I recently found myself dealing with some more issues in this area….but I promise you one thing, it is not easy; BUT it’s so worth it.
I love you with His everlasting love. I told you 2017 is our year of slaying & being victorious! I believe in you!
As always stick to your lane, the one clearly marked for you. Overlapping will only cause delays- it may appear fun but it always has serious consequences. I am surely cheering you on!