HOW TO MOVE ON AFTER A BREAK UP (My Personal Experience) PART 1: The Relationship

I must admit that  for some strange reason this has been one of my favorite blogs to write and share. Maybe because it is so personal and I get to share my innermost feelings. I mean it cannot get more personal than this.

However if you came here looking for some juicy drama…I am so sorry, but the exit’s that way 🙂 —>

If you came here looking for a scathing attack on baby daddy…from a scorned baby mama …to the left …to the left —>

I first decided to write this post some 2 years ago, but I realized I wasn’t there yet. I still had lots to learn and overcome. I am not there yet. I am not even attempting to make that claim. But I am a work in progress, and I thought over the years I have learned some practical stuff that may help others too, especially where kids are involved.

First I want to issue a disclaimer…in fact several disclaimers.

One: I do not have exclusive rights to what I am about to say, in fact I am giving “advice” based on my own personal journey that may not necessarily work for others.

Two: and this is of utmost importance, this story, like all stories, has 2 sides to it. However I committed that if I ever shared this part of my life, I would only tell my side and do so as objectively as I can.

Third: There is no rule of thumb when it comes to break ups and so what I share may not sit well with some of you and that is OK.

My break up wasn’t easy. It broke my heart, literally.

I never thought I would end up being a single mom, not especially after I got pregnant.

This wasn’t just the plan. It did not fit my vision 2030.

What could we have done better? What could I have done better?

I kept on spinning the “coulda, woulda, shoulda…”scenarios in mind all day long.

Allow me to go briefly into the relationship itself so that there is some background I am working against.

Every story has two sides- and because the other part of this story isn’t here to share his, I will share my side- again as impartially and as fitfully as I can.

The foundation of anything you do in life is extremely significant.

The height of the building is determined by its depth. You dig way down before you bring the building up. In the digging you get rid of all sorts of dirt, stones which vary in sizes and sometimes you even remove boulders as you clear the way to lay a proper foundation.

If one ignores  this rule, then building will come up, oh yea- especially if they insist, but eventually it always comes crashing down. And I can tell you the cost of a collapsed building is double of what would have been, if only one had paid attention to the foundation.

So here we were, my new boyfriend and I, having a really shady foundation, but insisting we must go up. I mean we never even got to clearing the field to start working on the actual ground but we quickly put up a 41 storied building within the shortest period of time. Dubai’s Burj Khalifa had nothing on us!

You see we had issues from day.

Day 1 God raised a red flag, – and you know what, I selectively became color blind. I saw a white flag- I insisted it was His way of saying “Go on ye faithful daughter of mine…this is thy path…walk in it and hunger no more…”

I had been found. I had found. It was a done deal. But…

I own up. I take ownership of the lion share of the issues between us. I haven’t been an easy person to love.

I am the kind of woman that unless God speaks…my brother: “wacha!” (Leave!)- Cheek in tongue-serious pun intended-maybe not? May be not.

I was stubborn, hard headed and was a “my way or the high way kind of girl…” I am not saying this so as to sit pretty with you, but the truth has to be shared intentionally.

And so here I was Ms. Independent having freshly begun my career as a young lawyer, with ideals of changing the world in every factual possible way. I tell you I believed I was the answer to the universe.

I was rude, I was arrogant and I was very selfish. The world’s axis rotated around me! How could it not? When I had everything going on for me?

I sometimes literally tremble when I think of the things I told this brother.

I hadn’t quiet understood that a man needs respect as much as a woman needs love. And I just couldn’t bring myself to respect him. I had to voice my opinion over his, I had to have the last word- I guess I still do…well at least now it’s not all the time  😉 .

Ladies I am not saying that you shouldn’t be heard. Or that our voice is not as important as a man’s voice. No. I am saying I was the kind of woman who wouldn’t allow this brother to put in a word edgewise. He just couldn’t, especially when we argued which was quite often. I had to win; and yes I was keeping scores. 

We didn’t date long-before I realized I was going to have a baby.Remember foundations? Yup, they have a way of coming back to bite when you least expect. This building was beginning to have cracks, and the paint hadn’t even began to dry!

The pregnancy seemed to really affect the relationship- negatively.

I just couldn’t stand the man. Attempts to make things work only made things between us worse. We never were a team. We fought against each other. We worked so hard to undo the other, yet we still dated.

But everything that is stretched has a limit. And ours came at last.

And so we eventually broke up.

Six years into it and it was over. Six years of on & off and finally the curtains fell down.

And it broke my heart into tiny little pieces. I was sick, and I mean in the literal sense of it.

In retrospect I think what pained me more was that he was the one who finally broke up with me.

Oh didn’t that hurt?!

He had found his voice. I hated it. I was the one in charge! Oh no! How could he?

Of course I also hurt because before the break up we had been finally planning to get married. I mean I was talking about a gown-yes.

And here we were.

Done.

How do I move on?

How do you move on from a part of something that has become you?

How do you surmount the courage to look into an uncertain future?

How do you hold onto to that which you do not have?

I remember crying myself to sleep so many nights.

I begged. I cried. I begged again.

I cried. I prayed. I cried again.

I refused to accept it. My mind couldn’t just take it. This wasn’t happening to me.

The irony of it all was that all along, I had played so hard and so mean. I never wanted this guy in my life, but now he was unavailable and had moved on and I just couldn’t take it.

I cried. I called.( I was ignored). I cried.

I sent countless emails, I left voice messages- I needed to be heard…

I was desperate. My whole world as I knew it then was crumbling on me. Remember foundations? Yup. The building finally came tumbling down! And I had nothing solid to hold on.

It all spun out of my control.

BUT…

God checked in.

God who had all along been there silently allowing me to make these choices, checked in, He checked in when I finally got the sense to look up to Him.

God told me that He had to put  a full stop on that part page.

God had finished that chapter in my life.

God was rewriting on a clean slate.

God was cleaning the inside of my soul.

God was about to do something new in my life.

AND…

Like every process, it hurt.

It hurt me to the innermost core of my being.

It felt like someone had taken some caustic material and was scrubbing my insides so hard and so rough.

It hurt so badly and I wanted it to stop and I cried to God to make it stop…But like every good doctor knows, for a wound to heal it needs to be opened up and cleaned properly so that the healing process can begin-

The wound needed cleaning so that it did not get septic.

I hated with passion the place that I found myself in.

Again looking back in perspective, I guess I was more hurt because he did the leaving. My pride could not just accept it.

Because I was hurting, I began hurting back. You see hurt people, hurt people.

My child became ammunition…

I finally had enough rounds of ammo to start World War 3…

 

 

I really have to stop here, and continue with this in the next post, because as you can see this post’s blown any word count off the roof.

I am sharing this especially for single moms who are in the battle front or you are in a season in your life that you think that you just cannot do life any other way, except fight and be vindictive. There is a way. I found a way amidst all the hurt.I am not there yet, in fact I recently found myself dealing with some more issues in this area….but  I promise you one thing, it is not easy; BUT it’s so worth it.

I love you with His everlasting love. I told you 2017 is our year of slaying & being victorious! I believe in you!

As always stick to your lane, the one clearly marked for you. Overlapping will only cause delays- it may appear fun but it always has serious consequences. I am surely cheering you on!

My Encounter with Married Man- Of Lessons Learned: Part 3

 

There is something about being the presence of God, being in His presence and being honest about what is on your mind.

I usually do not make very traditional prayers. I am very unconventional when I am in His presence.

And so here I was crying, really broken.

In that very moment in His presence God began dealing with me about the very thing that I had confessed with my mouth.

He began opening my eyes to the long term effects this illicit relationship would have on me, and then He did this thing that felt like a slap on my face; I like calling it my “Hallelujah moment!”

He brought my son into the picture.

My child.

And with that He touched me raw.

“Child…”, God said to me, “If you open that door, you not only open it for yourself but for your son too”.

-By now you know how fearlessly I love my son.

He got me. He got all the attention I would give on this issue.

God began showing me how this sin- this rot- this death- how it would not only necessary harm me, but would eventually get to my son and his generations to come.

At that moment I realized that not only was I being selfish but also very narrow minded.

Right there in His presence I began to repent of the very thoughts I had, of the very things I had confessed and accepted.

I realized the minute I got my son, life ceased to be all about me.

There’s a generation coming that would be affected by my actions.

Oh yea I could chose to play and have a little fun here & in fact probably never get to experience any repercussions from this in my lifetime- but one thing was sure: the consequences would surely come.

The picture that came to my mind was my grand daughter fighting battles that she never enlisted for. I began to see her husband cheating on her. I began to see the other grand daughter {yes I have like 12 grand kids in my vision  😉 } sleeping around with married men, battling with herself not quite understanding what was happening to her, trying to stop but not being able to, not knowing that she was reaping seeds sown by her grandmother.

Those thoughts paralyzed me immediately I realized the kind of strange fires I was fanning.

The realities and magnitude of my intended actions caused such a rude awakening!

I was desperate. I needed to be.

I must need to stop before I began.

I must need God, more than I need to be loved.

I must need God, more than I need this man’s attention.

I must need to be saved more than I need financial gain.

Above all I realized I must need His grace more than I need to be embraced by man.

And so I recall urgently asking Him to show me how to pray, how to get out of this mess. In an instant- I mean like in a microsecond of a millisecond these thoughts dropped into my mind and I began to pray them in fervency:

“Lord, hide me, hide me so that this man will never see me. May we never meet at the bus stop may our paths be so apart that I will never bump into him.”

“Cause him to forget me, forget he ever met me, forget this encounter today.”

“Father cause him right now to forget my number, may he never call or text me…I need this Jesus, I need this desperately.”

I distinctively remember this gushing of peace flooding my very soul at the time. It felt like God swept me- literally- off my feet. I felt an assurance, a confidence wrap around me in the sweetest embrace known to man.

I finally got the embrace I so badly yearned for.

It was settled.

I was loved.

I was accepted.

I had conquered.

I had overcome.

It would have been quite easy for me to justify the communication with him as “innocent”; I mean after all weren’t we just going to have coffee? Can’t I just be friends with a married man?

Well the harsh reality of this is: No.

No. I can’t just be friend with a married man.

No. I can’t just be in constant communication with someone’s husband.

-Only Jesus. And I am not.

Sometimes many of us want so badly to be told what we are doing is O.K. We want someone to soothe and massage our egos, yet deep down in our hearts we know it to be wrong.

So I choose to say it till the Lord comes back, or takes me home to be with Him: It is not O.K; a married man is an OPP (Other People’s Property).

Talking about loneliness? Yes? I am about to hit my 40’s. So close that 40 is no longer  around the corner it actually is glaring at me *- So I feel a little bit qualified to speak about it.

I know how lonely it gets. Especially for us women because we are such emotional creatures. There is something about sharing your thoughts, your hearts with someone who gets you; and is not of the same sex!

I know, I am living it.

But that does not give us the license to push boundaries.

So sister take a deep breath and cut ties.

In fact right now go to your phone book and block him. Block him on all avenues-at least all social media platforms have this provision, even they are wise enough to know that there are some people that you do need in your life.

Allow me to bring this posts to an end by saying this: this particular man, NEVER contacted me, has never contacted me and may I just tell you for free will never contact me. I have never bumped into him in our neighborhood, I have never had any sight of him and will never have sight of him.

I do not yearn for him.

In fact immediately I prayed about it, it was like God took this very large broom and swept my heart clean, took an even larger dust pan and discarded those feelings in an bottomless bin! That’s how neat (read “cool”) my God is.

I know for a fact it may not be that automatic for all of us, actually in most instances God wants us to walk/work it out, but only He knows why He allowed it this way for me.

I’m I still lonely? Oh yes!

But I am much wiser now.

I am more careful about the conversations I have with ANY married man.

I am more guarded.

It doesn’t mean I live a calculated life checking every word I speak, it simply means I have surrendered my emotions to a better steward. It only means I am more conscious of the relationships I have.

I want to end by speaking to those who find themselves in it, knee high.

It does not matter if you perceive yourself as far too gone; His hand can get to you.

There is nothing right about relating with another woman’s husband. Nothing.

Don’t ask us or the world to understand your circumstances. No circumstances can ever align themselves to make it right. Tough love.

Ask for grace and then end it.

Pull the plug.

I know some may require exceptional wisdom especially where children are involved. Ask God for it and then go ahead and pull the plug. There are no two ways about it.

Find yourself.

You are too precious, too beautiful to be involved in that nonsense.

You are to die for.

He actually did. In the literal sense of it.

He sings over you everyday. He has you engraved on the palm of His hand.

It may not feel like that everyday. In fact it doesn’t feel like that most times, but when you look at the mirror you must only turn away from it only after you see the beauty of His reflection; because that is who you are.

I love you with His unfailing love; single lady and single mom.

We are going to slay these temptations and win!!

2017 is our year of Victory!

As always stick to your lane. Do not overlap or run aimlessly.

Run focused on Jesus- Oh! only on His amazing glorious face.

P.S: |Watch out for my thoughts coming in a fortnight on: “The realities of hitting 40 and still single- what they never tell you!” .

MY ENCOUNTER WITH A MARRIED MAN PART 2 OF 3

How did I end up wanting to be “caught” by a married man?

How does someone end up here?

I remember reading the first, second, third, fourteenth, message over and over again. Yup, that’s how long our conversation were in a matter of moments.

The messages came in fast and furious.

He proposed I rejected.He praised I attempted to act like I didn’t care. He reminded me of his earlier pursuits and how relentless he could be. I told him I was under new management- but even then I don’t think I sounded convincing and I honestly did not want him convinced.

He cajoled, I feebly made attempts to push him away.

I was flirting with him, I was past (I think I was) caring because it felt so good. My heart wanted to burst into tiny little bubbles floating away joyfully away into the skies and to never be caught.

At one point he asked me to think about his proposal. He wanted me to date him-he wanted a mistress-plain and simple and he had chosen me. Oh he did. Oh fairest and prettiest  damsel of thee all, O that luck would fall on thee fair and lovely one. (tongue in cheek)

I was to think about it and that he would call me sometime. I didn’t know how familiar I was with the qwerty keyboard until that day, because I texted back in lightening speed, volunteered myself to meet him for coffee “just to talk”. A part of me couldn’t take a risk of him thinking I wasn’t interested. I couldn’t risk that “sometime”…what if it never materialized? 

Here was the proverbial lamb leading itself to a slaughter house.

After all it was “only just going to be coffee”…Ahem!

Was I  giving of myself behind a cunningly crafted charade of having coffee… “just to talk”? No way I could do that. I was too intelligent for that. (or not).

After I had convinced him to give me time to work- because it appeared as if this exchange had the potential of going on the whole day, he signed off with a promise of calling me up soonest so that we could meet.

I grinned. I smiled. I reread the entire thread in flesh and in every humanly acceptable  form.

I was invincible.

I comfortably reclined back on my seat and began thinking to myself how all this was suddenly possible.

I actually for more than a split of a second there caught myself thinking how we could actually pull this off. It could work.

I mean I gave it a thought. No. Thoughts. Serious thoughts.

I never thought I was this desperate. But then again who said anything about being desperate?

I never thought I would be enticed by a married man as a born again Christian.

But here I was planning, scheming and conniving with myself how to date a married man. If they had a “How to date a married man for dummies” I would have been on it.

And there you are wondering how wicked can one get.

And there was Jeremiah saying in Jeremiah 17:9 “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?”

I thought of the benefits that would come with it. Yes.

Someone to talk to, finally. Yaay!

One that I didn’t have any obligations to. How easy can life get?

Economic benefits. Didn’t they say nothing is for free? 

– Well only Jesus.

I could finally afford some good things- Oh! but at what cost you asked? Well it didn’t matter then. Consequences were nowhere near my mind.

I’m I still (at this point) born again you must be asking?

Yes. Washed by the precious Blood of the Lamb.

I do not own the exclusive rights to the Blood- neither do you nor the next person-but struggles don’t negate the power of the Blood.

I went home knowing that day, that there was a possibility of an affair coming my way and I wasn’t fazed even one bit.

As I sat down for my evening devotions- yes I did-I was doing it to “fulfill all righteousness”. I mean how else would I be sitting down for devotions?

I cannot for the love of God remember what part of scripture I was reading that day, but as I pretended to read the Word, I felt like God was waiting for us to have a conversation.

I have this knack of being honest especially when talking to God. I mean He knows us too well, better than we ourselves, so why hide stuff from Him anyways. Right?

I felt like He (God) was sitting across my table, tapping His fingers on the table, wondering patiently when I would get on with the program and open up about it.

He wasn’t mad. He just wanted us to talk. And I finally talked to Him.

“Father, I like this,…I like the attention, it feels good- I haven’t had this in years. I am thriving on this. I am getting ready to walk down this road. I know it’s wrong in all ways. I do. I was brought up better. I also know that You say that it is death to put asunder those you have joined together- here I am ready to rent asunder this union- in spite of and despite of your Word. I don’t think I can help myself…I don’t even think I want to help myself…”

And then right then, right in His presence I bawled my eyes out. 

I was broken to be mended.

 

Hey! I need to stop there. I promise to finish this in the next post where I will be sharing how God dealt with me and what lessons I  learned from this entire encounter.

 

P.S: I am so encouraged by all those of you who have talked to me or shared their experiences with me privately. I get asked a lot how I am able to share all this personal stuff, but I realized a long time ago that whatever I have been able to go through and overcome is under the Blood.-Does the Blood give me freedom to mess around? No. But it gives me the liberty to turn my messes to messages!

I sure hope you were blessed.

As always; stick to your lane, run the race with the zeal to see His glorious face. Oh what a glorious day it will be.

 

 

 

 

 

My Encounter with a Married Man- part 1 of 3

“Single mothers make good mistresses” so the cliché goes.

I am not one given to clichés, especially such in bad taste. However that has never stopped me from using them.

Someone who’s known me for a very long time recently told me that it looked like I had resigned into a life of being a single mom. He felt like I had given up hope of ever getting married and all this he got from a status I had put up. Well needless to say, I tried defending myself (I mean, I do this for a living – defending others-so what do you expect when I am defending myself?).

Was I sending “hopeless” signals? Was I that obvious? I wondered what made him perceive or read me this way.

Anyway, let’s go back to why I began writing this, in the first place.

So I recently bumped into a man I hadn’t seen in ages. I met him back in college days. Now anyone who knows me and my college days- knows that whatever happened in college stayed in college, or ought to stay that way. Well unless God says otherwise :).

I was excited to see him. In fact I recall feeling like I was a little extra bubbly for my usual self.

We had stopped and got off at the same bus stop and walked quite a distance catching up.

As we bade each other farewell he asked for my telephone number and I never made any thought of it and quickly gave it to him.

“Bleep!” goes my phone a few moments later.

You have a new text message.

You guessed right.

It is from him.

I am super excited and equally clearly disgusted at my excitement.

You see he is a married man.

Yup!

I said it M.A.R.R.I.E.D.

In CAPS. In bold. Signed, sealed and delivered!

And yes I am S.A.V.E.D !

Yea!

I said it.

So here is this married man making some preposterous propositions.

Here I am grinning like a Cheshire cat!

And there you are refusing to believe that I was not rebuking the devil and casting him out in a thousand different directions.

Well you see, if I said that I rebuked the devil and sent the Holy Spirit fire (special for such dark forces) against him, I’d be lying through my teeth (oh well…or what I have left of them).

I felt tags, wild rushes go through my being, a sort of exhilaration that I hadn’t felt in a while. The kind you know will land you nowhere else but the runway marked “trouble” (in CAPS). The kind that wants  to take off with every fiber of your being and never land. The kind you know very well will only crash land and leave  you broken in all brekable areas. Yes. That one.

You see he was singing my praises and my beauty and it sounded like great music to my ears. Oh yes it did. I felt like my heart fluttered.

Pose…

I share truth.

If I am upsetting you so far; I want to sincerely apologize.

I am not doing this in jest.  I am not taking marriage lightly. I do not take it lightly.

I am trusting God for a husband soon- and so I do not want to plant a mess in my field to harvest it later on.

But truth is truth. I liked the attention he gave me.

You see it did not matter to me that he was married then or at all. All that mattered was the attention.

I was craving the attention. I was thriving on his attention.

His proposition was ungodly, I made feebly attempts to reject it- because I was still spinning around in my head- you see he had noticed me. HE was “bold” enough to try catching me.

And I wanted to be caught.I sincerely deep down wanted him to catch me.

I did not want to run. No. I may have pretended to want to think to run, but I really didn’t  want to.

I know this may sound like such an anti climax, but I have to stop there(seeing that I have exceeded my word count) and pick it up on the next post.

As always I want to encourage you to stick to your lane and run your race.

In His love & Mine.

P.S: I know I haven’t been consistent in my writing. I have been dealing with some personal stuff in my journey. I am working towards a more committed writing experience and possibly towards a book sometime soon.

Writing from my personal experiences (as I do) can be quite intimidating at times. There are stories that are not easy to share but thank God for they are all under the blood. I hope to stay committed this time. I appreciate your support.

W.A.I. T

I never thought I would be free.

I never thought I would be OK waiting on God.

I never thought this crippling anxiety would end.

I never thought I would totally surrender it all to God and allow Him to actually work for me.

I never knew God was for me.

I always thought I would fix it.

I always thought if I made myself pretty enough they would swarm my way.

I always thought that my smile would magnetically attract them in drones.

I always thought I was the one.

I was crashed when it did not happen.

I was crashed when it did not happen, but it happened for my friend(s).

I was crashed when it did not happen on my time.

I was crashed when I had to attend to another while mine had not come.

I was crashed when they said “wait upon the Lord…”

Do they know how cliché those words sound to me?

Do they know how many times I have fasted and prayed?

Do they know how many hands I have held in agreement?

Do they know how many resounding “Amen!” I have had to say?

Do they know how many hopes have been dashed?

BUT…

He knows how much I need this.

He knows my heart’s desire.

He sees each tear I cry.

He sees my secret anguish when I attend another.

He sees the sleepless (well almost) nights trying to figure out what went wrong.

He sees me.

He knows me.

He knows my name.

He wove me in my mothers womb.

He promised.

I trust Him.

An Open Letter to Brother X

Brother X I realize that not only did I create a shrine for you, but that I also imported the most expensive gold for it too. We have to get it out in the clear right away that you had nothing to do with it. In fact if my guess is right, you are oblivious about how far gone I am.
Ever sent someone a long thoughtful, insightful message and all you got back in form of a response was: “K”?
Well that is how I feel Brother X. After putting up all these structures in my head; I feel like all I am getting back from you is a “K”. I want you to know that I do not blame you Brother X. I blame myself.
I blame myself for thinking that if I thought hard, real hard about you, my wishes would come true. I thought if I “presented” myself to you, you would take notice of me.
I forgot all the scriptures I knew. I forgot how beautiful and wonderful I was to HE who created me. I tried dancing a little bit less; because I thought cool guys like calm chicks. I prayed a little less intimately because I did not want to lose myself in worship- cool guys don’t like that. No?
Brother X, I took a hard look at myself in the mirror. The kind of look that examines the soul and I realized that all these was triggered by fears I created in my mind.

I feared that age was catching up with me. I feared that my mates were all doing their 4th, 5th and further wedding anniversaries. I feared that with time my shelf life would expire and I would not be desirable any more.
But you see Brother X, I now see my wrong. You are not God and I cannot place these demands on you. You are not the author and finisher of my faith. You weren’t there when God created the earth. You weren’t there when He thought me into creation. You see I forgot that He first finished me, before He began me. He says He foreknew the plans He had over me and these were plans to give me a future and a hope.
Brother X, it’s not your fault that you are that fine! Neither is it mine that I am this pretty. But in reality I created a monument out of you and allowed you to take His place.
So I just wanted to let you know that I am OK with you not saying hi, or looking my direction. I am finally accepting that you just might not be in my future and that doesn’t faze me one bit.
I need to stop trying to fit you in a puzzle that you just didn’t come with in the first place.

So Brother X, I just wrote to tell you that next time in Church when you see me whiz past you to my usual sitting place; do pardon me if I don’t stare like I normally do. You see I now realize that He who created me deserves ALL my worship and praise. It was for Him that I was created.
I don’t know if I will actually stop liking you; I mean I do not have a button to press and automatically stop. But I have in the last few weeks brought that shrine down and Jesus now takes preeminence.

Thank you Brother X, for remaining true to yourself.

In His love & mine Sister Ciruu.

To all those single (read slightly “older”) sisters who are feeling “flustered” because a certain guy doesn’t seem to return and or receive your signal; this one is for you.
Isaiah 49:16
Look here. I have made you a part of Me, written you on the palms of My hands.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

And I know God has made everything beautiful for its time.

You are beautiful. You are precious. There is no clock ticking as He holds time in His hands. In fact He owns the Clock. Do your part and let Him do the rest.

God says He has made; He is not planning to make, or trying to figure it out. It is already made beautiful. You need to trust Him. If you have prayed and I mean praying until you know you have prayed through for a mate; it is time to give thanks. He already did it.

AN OPEN LETTER TO “BROTHER X”

Dear Brother X,
I sure hope this gets you in good spirits and fantastic health. It’s been a few weeks since I last saw you. I think that I know that you know I like you. I am a woman, we are required to know such things. Brother X; my liking for you has opened me up to a new world, one that I had never thought into existence.

I have been thinking about you and I realized a few weeks ago that you were actually becoming a sort of an obsession in my life.
I began being more careful about what I wore to church ensuring that my make up was just right. I actually realized that I now pull out my Sunday clothes on Monday evening! Who does that?

Anyway my dear Brother X, it was at this point that I realized I need to come to a halting STOP before I broke something. You see Brother X it is no fault of yours; but I think I have lost the plot.
I recall with nostalgia the day I heard you talk for the first time. I have the details to a tee. I was taken aback. I was so amazed of how insightful and intelligent you were. You see I hadn’t heard a man talk with such clarity and perception in a long time. I do admit that is what blew my socks off.

This letter is not only for you, but to my fellow sisters out there who find themselves in similar awkwardness.
I have waited with anticipation for you to take note of me. A glance, an acknowledgement, perhaps an “intentional hello” but none of this has been forthcoming. I have put under a microscope your last casual “hi” to me. I have tried to encode the way you moved your head, where your eyes were and if that handshake lingered a bit longer than usual. You should see me, Brother X; if only I had studied my Biology as hard as this.
You see my dear brother I have built a shrine for you in my mind. I have heard things that you never said, experienced laughter and smiles as I spaced out into “our world”.

I have had conversations with “our mutual friends”, and they have me convinced that you really are interested in me; I only need to give you time.

I have showed up for countless coffee dates, at the corner coffee shop right off the corner of my head. We have had endless conversations sipping on our lattes. You have walked me home a million times over and in my head these walks never end.

But now dear brother I realize I am getting fixated over you and I need to stop now and hold a peace march for myself.
Brother X writing this to you kind of helped me find myself. The beauty about it is that it actually gets delivered to you and not in my head because I know you are here and you will get to read it.
I realized that I needed to write to you, not only for your sake, but for my sake too and for other sisters who like Brothers like you and may never know how to deal with it.

Brother X before I sign off, please be minded that I would never lay fault at your doorstep. Oh no! You are too fine for that! (wink!)

That will be all for now Brother X, until next time when I tell you about what I found out about myself in these letters to you. Keep on shining!

Note:I finish this letter in my next post. Be sure to catch up with me on that post and let’s sign off  together!

As always: in His love & mine.

TRAVEL ON THE DUSTY ROAD & OF LESSONS LEARNED (PART III)

I am so grateful that you shared my travel with me on the dusty road. This is the last post on this series, and I encourage you to read the previous posts on part one and two if you haven’t.
I never knew my walk home would help me draw such deep lessons from the Holy Spirit. I now don’t just walk home, I walk to learn.
Here are the last lessons that I have been able to garner from these walks.

4. My mind is a battle field

There are days that I really don’t want to walk home. Sometimes it’s because I have had a day that wasn’t that interesting and all I want to do is get home and forget about it. At other times I just think I can’t do it. I look at the journey ahead and fail even before I begin the walk.
In those times I have had to literally talk myself into walking. Reminding myself why I need to and that failure has never been an option. Of course there are times when all that pep talk falls on deaf ears. My mind is pretty made up and I end up using the bus home. One of the most effective tool that we have if used well is our mind. There are many reasons why I shouldn’t walk and my mind is always the first to try and rationalize these reasons. I realized that if I am not in charge of my mind then I fall for anything.
In our Christian walk, we often fail before we start. We look at the challenges ahead of us and our minds just refuses to accept that it is possible to get through. Sometimes when you have been in a storm for a long period of time, it becomes so easy to accept that you are not coming out of it and eventually embrace a lifestyle of hopelessness. Your heart becomes so hard that in due course you find that you actually don’t care anymore about your circumstances.
The Holy Spirit is here reminding us, that we can do all things through Christ our enabler. We must allow our minds to be renewed and to dwell on the living word of God. His word is the wellspring of life.

Purpose to take charge of your mind today.

6. Watch Out

I don’t know about you, but I get distracted by stuff. I mean I have all intentions of paying attention to something but when something else pops up at the corner of my eye; I want to make sure I caught it.

Walking home with this attitude has cost me a few “almost falls”. Boy I’m I glad I never actually hit the ground because I have such a phobia of falling. These near falls however, have served their purpose. I watch where I am going. I am keen and pay attention as I walk home.

Over days though, I have felt like I have mastered the road, knowing where the pits, thorny bushes or stones that would trip me are. But this “assumption” hasn’t guaranteed me a drama free journey as I end up tripping and having to steady myself to avoid falling.

You and I are on a long journey. There are snares that have been set to catch you and stones that have been put up to trip you. The bible says that we must watch and pray lest we fall into temptation. We can never master the road. We can never be expert Christians. You can never outsmart the devil who has been here longer than you. You will never get it all, until you are at His feet.

We should never assume that we are there with God, or we have it all figured out; as that assumption would only be the beginning of our folly and downfall.

5. Finishing is better than starting

The gate to my estate is always a sight to behold because it marks the end of my walk. I am always ecstatic when I get to the gate because it marks the finish of my walk. But please don’t get me wrong, I learnt quite through an experience that getting to the neighborhood doesn’t mean I am home.

I remember once actually stopping to buy some fresh juice from a store near my house to “celebrate” my finish. When I started walking again the pain on my legs was so intense that I promised myself never to make such unnecessary stops.

Lesson: Just because you are in the neighborhood doesn’t mean you are home or that you can stop. The price you pay when you restart the journey can be unbearable.

Walking inside the estate towards my house comes with such a sense of victory. It feels good to know that in a little while I will be in my house where I get to clean up myself, relax and enjoy my quest.

The Holy Spirit has assured us that the Home we are heading to is place that no mind can comprehend. It’s a home like no other. The streets are paved with gold! I get so giddy when I read about Heaven in the book of Revelation; it is going to be such a treat I promise y’all.

Revelation 21:21
The twelve gates were twelve pearls, each gate expertly crafted from a single beautiful pearl. And the city street was pure gold, yet it was as transparent as glass.

I encourage you today to keep your eyes on the prize.

Commit yourself to do what it takes, to finish your race; your journey Home.
I hope you found some form of inspiration and encouragement in this series that makes you determined to journey well.

As always: in His love and mine!

Travel On the Dusty Road & Of Lessons Learned (Part II)

In my last post I shared about how the Holy Spirit is drawing parallels between my walk home and my Christian walk. I shared how easy it is to get distracted by things that appear so “innocent” but greatly impact our walk.
Allow me to share a few other lessons that He has drawn my attention too.

2. Rid yourself of all unnecessary weights

Before I leave my office I always ensure that I have my walking shoes on. I also ensure that the bag I am carrying only has what is necessary for the journey ahead. I have a big bag. Yes I am one of those women whose bag can swallow a whole nine month old  baby.

My bag comes with a disclaimer “put your hands in at your own risk!” You are most likely to get attacked by something in my bag if you tried putting your hands in blindly. I digress.

So I have to make a careful choice of what to bring with me on my journey home. The reason behind this is very simple; if I carry a heavy bag I will end up hurting my shoulder and it will definitely slow me down.

When it’s time to begin my walk, I literally empty my bag place things on the table and then pick choice items that I may either need on the way home or when I get home.

Our Christian walk isn’t any different. We have bags that we carry on this journey. You can choose to call it your mind or your heart. What deposit is in that bag?

Does your “bag” come with a disclaimer warning others that they are “proceeding at their own peril?” I remember when the Holy Spirit showed me this; I immediately knew the heaviest thing in my “bag”. I worried a lot. I worried a lot about my future and that of my son. He reminded me that I needed to cast my cares on Jesus, so that my walk Home is bearable.
Unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness, hurt and pain are all genuine feelings that we experience in our walk on this earth. But did you know, all these weights will weigh you down?

The Holy Spirit doesn’t want us to be wounded soldiers, He wants us whole.
Rid yourself of weights that restrict you to move effectively. Do it on purpose. Empty yourself before the Master and then ask Him to show is only necessary for the walk ahead.

3. It’s a long dusty walk; it don’t matter what folk think

The biggest challenge walking home(from my view point), isn’t even the distance that I need to cover, but the dust that covers me.

By the time I get to my house I am covered knee high in dust. I recall my first walk and how horrified I was of myself when I got home.I couldn’t believe the amount of dust that had fellowship with my feet. I almost decided to never walk again.

The following day I examined my heart and realized that the only real reason as to why I was “horrified” was because of what I thought people would think of me when they looked at me. Period.

Most of us are “horrified” at the reactions our friends or associates will have because of our Christian lives. We reason that some of the decisions we have to make as Christians will “horrify” our friends. So we end up being here but not all there. We have a “Sunday live appearance” at church- where we get real with the “Christians”. Monday through Friday we have our own “lukewarm, not here or there” kind of lives. On Saturday we try to “Holy Up” because we realize Sunday beckons.
I made a decision that made it easier for me to walk as far as this dust was concerned. I decided that once I started walking I would never look at my feet. That way I am oblivious of what people think.

Same thing must apply to our walk. It really should not matter what people say. Live according to the principles of the word and stop looking at your feet.

I have a few more lessons that I would love to share with you in my final post on this journey. I sure do pray that this helps you in getting more determined to get Home.

Remember you and I must stay focused.

Travel On The Dusty Road & Of Lessons Learned (PART I)

I began walking recently.
To appreciate the veracity of the statement you must have the mental picture of the distance I cover and from where to where it is I walk. I walk home from work at least 3 times a week. The distance covered is about 13K which would roughly translate to 8 miles.
My decision to start walking was heavily influenced by the sudden realization that I was piling back some of the weight I had recently lost. Besides the many health benefits associated with walking, the main reason I love it so much is that it helps me unwind after being at work the whole day. You would be amazed at the thoughts and ideas I get when I walk.

So the other day as I walked home, I began talking to the Holy Spirit as I have done numerous times. As I chatted away, He arrested my attention by painting an amazing picture of how my walk home is so similar to my spiritual walk to my glorious Home.

Allow me to share some of the lessons the Holy Spirit has been teaching me on my walk home. I sure hope that will help you resolve to keep you focus on getting Home.

1. There are plenty of distractions on the way home

My walk begins with me trying to weave across a sea of humanity busily making their way to various places. There are those streets that I use that I have to cling to my bag with dear life. The main street I use is first, full of buses that have bus conductors shouting at the highest voices to attract passengers into their buses. There are also motorbikes whose riders believe that they have the supreme right of way and will run off anything on their way.Half of the time I am ducking off their path to ensure I come out unharmed.

If you are successful, alive, sane and all body parts intact at this stage, you must now contend with cart pushers and their carts which are sometimes piled up high with foodstuffs. The cart pusher is a unique challenge and most of the time it’s like a chess game with him. You must not show him your next move until you know his. Once you know where he is headed you must go to the extreme opposite direction or he will still somehow maneuver his cart into your path missing you by a whisker. If you turn to look some have this “sly” grin that says “I scared the living day lights out of that one”!

Once I get past that, I usher myself through one of the main markets in my City. If the fresh vegetables straight from the farm don’t get you, the sharp red watermelon cut to size will always call your name.

They have clothes too,priced just right and don’t even get me started on the shoes!

Many times I am genuinely tempted to stop and look at all these things. You see “an innocent look won’t hurt”, right? Wrong. You see, rarely have I ever stop to look at anything and left without having bought something that I didn’t need in the first place.
The time that I take in oohing on these items also impacts me greatly on the time I use to get home.

I have devised a cheat mind strategy by saying this to myself “I shall stop tomorrow” especially when I see something that I just must look at. Oh don’t you know that familiar feeling ladies? When something has your name written all over it! Unfortunately most things have my first name on them.
Like my distractions home, my Christian walk too has many distractions. There are many things that call out for my attention. Sin calls out for attention. Anger, revenge, lust and sometimes thing that appear harmless to me call out.
We call it “small sin”; a little bit of catching up with our sisters about this other sister who is not present. Hey! We are not gossiping about her, we are in fact pointing out facts about her walk nowadays. Haven’t you noticed how slack she has become lately? Haven’t we been asked after all to become our “brother’s keepers?”

Quite often we come across such distractions and decide that this small deviation won’t cost us much, but that is where we make costly mistakes.
The Holy Ghost was prompt to remind me how such distractions impacted my walk Home. He reminded me that I can never flirt with sin and come out unscathed. I cannot afford to make such unnecessary stops and expect to make Home in good time.

And the first lesson learned was that no matter how “innocent” and “attractive” the distractions appear I must keep focused on getting Home otherwise the stop will cost me something.

I hope that this first lesson blesses your heart like it did me. Isn’t it so easy to allow ourselves get entangled in things that appear harmless.

I love the NLT version of Hebrews 12:1 (bold emphasis mine) because it captures this so well;
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

Are there things in your life that appear “harmless” but need to be dealt with?

Please catch up with me in my next post as I share with you more insights on this.